I’m not okay 

I’m not okay crying at least once a day about something 

I’m not okay being so lonely only having my thoughts to listen to

I’m not okay with no one understanding

I’m not okay shutting myself in my room everyday sitting there staring through the wall

I’m not okay wanting to just curl up into a ball and not wake up

I’m not okay going to work

I’m not okay sleeping just to shut off my mind from thinking

I’m not okay with my anxiety being through the roof

I’m not okay on missing out on things people my age do everyday

I’m not okay with relapsing 

I’m not okay with constantly overwhelmingly feeling like this

I am not okay at all.

Anxiety vs excitement 

The annoying thing about having an anxiety disorder is the feeling of excitement turning into anxiety and not knowing whether you are excited with butterflies or panic is settling in. Because I’m so used to being anxious 24-7 I rarely get a feeling of excitement. Something massive is happening in our family life that’s only been decided in the last couple of days out of the blue and change is one of my worst fears. At first I was really really excited and now the panic is setting in, everything is moving so fast and I don’t know how I’m going to cope. This massive change, everyone gets stressed as its a very stressful process but with normal stress and my anxiety/panic on top of that, now I’m thinking wow, this is really happening.

Does anyone else get confused with anxiety and excitement?

Its one of the most frustrating things, its like my mind is saying oh wait theres a sign you are starting be happy and actually looking forward to something for once, lets turn this into panic.

Please think before you speak

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This photo really struck a chord with me, for struggling with the majority of the problems named above, I have heard a lot of these phrases aimed at me by family members, friends and co-workers.

Telling someone with anxiety to ‘just stop worrying’ is like telling someone who is blind to just look harder. If we could change anything in the world, it would be to stop worrying, having an anxiety disorder is all about worrying. Do people really think if we could just ‘stop worrying’ or ‘snap out of it’ or ‘just calm down’ we would?

Telling someone with depression to just ‘be happy’ is like telling someone with a broken leg to just ‘get up and walk’. When you have depression, you feel like you are such a burden on everyone and feel so guilty for feeling this way that if you could just ‘be happy’ it would be the best thing in the world. Just getting out of bed every day could be a massive achievement for someone.

Telling someone with insomnia to ‘just go to sleep’ is like telling someone who’s deaf to listen harder. The feeling of being up when everyone else is asleep, not being able to let your body and mind rest, thoughts running around your head keeping you awake, scared you are going to get nightmares, knowing that the lack of sleep is going to affect you the next day physically and mentally.

Telling someone with anorexia and bulimia to ‘just eat’ or ‘just keep it in’ is like telling a child to jump off the highest slide in the playground. In their head everything is telling them not to do it and they know the danger they will put themselves in if they do it. Being at war with your mind stopping you from eating, seeing what it’s doing to your body but not putting the food in your mouth is the only thing you can control.

Telling someone with self harm issues to ‘just stop cutting’ is like telling someone who’s got an itch not to scratch it. The urge someone feels, the physical feelings of a need to release emotion, pain, anxiety, anger, the only way you have control over your emotions and mind.

In summary of this post, please watch what you say because it can affect someone no matter how small the comment is. Having a mental illness is very hard to control or cure/”make better”. Fighting against your mind is a daily battle and you only wish you could change it and ‘just get over it’ but sometimes, it’s not as easy as that. These comments make you feel like you are not good enough and that you aren’t trying hard enough to recover. You wouldn’t tell someone with the examples I gave above e.g. someone who is blind to look harder. One day mental illness will have the same respect, support and understanding as a visual physical ailment and I will wait for that day.

Driving theory

On top of all my courses, work and therapy work I’ve also got to do my driving theory test which I’ve been putting off for a long time. I’ve done most of it but I’m struggling so I’m going to learn the good old fashioned way 

  instead of an app and the Internet. I’ve had 27 hours of driving lessons and I had to stop them because I was having too many panic attacks and wasn’t in a good place to do it, at £21 per hour it’s very expensive as well. Once I do my theory hopefully I’ll feel more confident to start my driving lessons again. 

Home Alone and Missing out

I’m just going to go on a rant because my mind is all over the place and I feel anxious and depressed and I fucking hate having this mental illness. The depression especially hits me when I’m missing out on things/events because of my anxiety disorder. Tonight I can’t win but I’ve opted for the easier option as the other one seems impossible at the moment. I got invited to my mums friends birthday BBQ and drinks, once again (which has been the same story for the last 4 years for any event) I cannot go, the only other option was me staying home alone all night, I’m nearly 19 I should be able to do this without feeling like I’m going to have a panic attack, this is where the health anxiety and separation anxiety comes in. The only way I’m going to get through this is distractions.

Missing out on things for general reasons is annoying but there will always be another time to go. When its something you physically can’t control, its the most frustrating feeling, seeing pictures the next day and knowing thats all everyone is going to be talking about for the next week or whatever. Anxiety makes you feel so alone and isolated, one day people are just not going to bother with me at all because they probably think oh she won’t come anyway, whats the point. I don’t want to be the one sitting at home every night when these teenage/adult years are meant to be the most exciting of my life.

I feel so alone.

Affirmations

I really don’t feel in a good place right now so I’m going to write a blog post that will help others. If I can’t help myself right now, helping someone else will make me feel a lot better.

When I am very anxious or before I’m going to do something which I know will make me anxious (going to work, going out to eat, shopping, socializing etc.) using affirmations and saying them over in my head or reading them over and over helps me so I hope it can help someone else out there.

I’m going to be all right. My feelings are not always rational.  I’m just going to relax, calm down, and everything will be all right.

Anxiety is not dangerous, it’s just uncomfortable, it will pass.

I’ve survived panic attacks millions of times before, I can do it again

I’ve done this before, I can do it again

This may be hard now, but as I do this more it will get easier over time

I am in control

I am going to be okay

Nothing bad can happen to me from having a panic attack

I know these fears are irrational

Every breath I inhale calms me, every breath I exhale releases anxiety

I am strong enough to deal with this

I am in charge of my mind and body

My challenges will bring be better opportunities

Think of the feeling you will get after doing this, another achievement without letting anxiety beat you

I am feeling calmer with every breath I take

These are just a few I use, if anyone needs anymore I will be happy to help as I’ve researched this over the years and it’s a very helpful coping mechanism.

I hope you all have a lovely bank holiday weekend x